Listening to Lifehouse - whatever it takes right now.
I am home after successfully staying awake for two morning lectures. Initially wanted to go to the library and start with my assignment. However, the little devilish voice told me to go home and have my nap. I am sure most of you out there had gone through a lot for the past few months of 2009. Thinking straight and staying positive is so hard for me. Shall I stop going against the world? I never believe how the world really works. Thought it is always drama. But, without drama what's life? Without all the lies and truth about reality - how life would be? Perfect? 24/7 and 365 days happiness? No tears, no nothing but being too perfect.
Last night movie - he is just not that into you... I think, I learned something from it. Appreciating whatever you have now and enjoy it while you still have it. Once you lost it, you might lose it forever. *smiles* I just found it funny how life really works. As I don't really understand what life is. What is it about? Guess Lydia was right about a lot of things too, about me. Weird enough I cannot trust myself that much. I doubt every steps I take, I question myself why I did something? For that, I just hate myself too much! Chill and relax, that's what Dex would say.
Starting over? It could be tough right?! I got my own reason not to change anything - which is:
"Though we wanted to be someone better, people will only look at your past. People are not forgiving enough to accept the fact that you did your best to be someone better. Unfortunately all the mistakes you do in your life will be remembered almost everyday. Worst enough these people's rumors about you had been spread around to the entire world. You might say, who care's about what people think about us? I don't really care. However, I think we all deserve a recognition for improving ourselves rather than reminded about how bad we were. This is not a one-way thing. It is up to me how and what I want to be, but it takes the whole world to make this work!"
Whatever it is, I really do not mind starting over my whole life & I only hope this will be worthwhile :) I am entirely happy to do so. Apart from thinking how much will it costs me to fix my broken laptop keyboard. Not to mention - I am looking forward for my 22nd Birthday. Sad not to be at home with my family, who will spoil and love me!
However, though I am turning my wheels around now. I still have my "initial" plan in my hand.
- Desperately need to graduate university
- Get a good paid job, expensive enough to support my next "dreams"
- To open a business, anything... I do not mind.
- Investing some money
- Buying a house outside Brunei, most probably in France, Italy, Australia or New Zealand
- Learn sewing clothes, get some basics on fashion
- Make mom happy and proud of me
- Make myself happy and happy :)
- Learn Japanese, Chinese and French once graduated
- Get a job overseas
- Grow up, be stronger, skinnier, eat healthy
- Be someone's someone :)
- Get myself motivated to start doing all the above
- I did go to most lectures this year, read some books, newspapers and checking some news online. 20% is done. Not to worry, I am almost there (=
When everything else fails, remember one thing, God is always with you. You are never alone. Maybe luck and miracle are impossible, but there is always hope behind everything. Don't look back, keep moving forward, do not let all the fears to make yourself feel so inferior. Being insecure is okay, life's is full with insecurities - trust me! Hope, faith and love - always hold on to this.
Sincerely yours,
A girl who always hope will come in her life eventually x
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